Lily Evans James Potter FanFiction: A HowTo Guide
by Daisy Pennifold
Summary: In which Sirius finds a howto guide, truths are discovered, and James and Lily are unwitting pawns in the game of love. COMPLETE
1. The Train Station and First Evening

CHAPTER ONE – The Train Station and First Evening

_Before I begin, and am flamed into an early grave for insulting countless ff authors out there, please let me say that I AM ADDICTED to ff, especially L/J stories. I cannot even begin to count the number I have read, and I never follow any particular author. This is a spoof on the similarities between most L/J stories, and if I were to write one, mine would run along the very same lines. Please read this with a sense of humor, for it is not intended to make anyone angry._

"Oy! Evans!" James Potter and his best friend, Sirius Black, pushed through the portrait hole and rushed into the common room. A few students popped up from studying with looks of irritation on their faces. From behind a curtain of red hair, a girl spoke to the two in a stern voice.

"Potter, you are Head Boy this year. Can't you control yourself a bit while people are studying? Shouldn't _you_ be studying? This is N.E.W.T. year you know."

"I know! And we were! We were in the library, and Sirius found-"

"You two were in the library?" Lily looked up at the pair, and while James was too disconcerted to continue, Sirius jumped in.

"Yes, and we found a book about you and Prongs, and guess what? You're getting married, and your kid will be famous and people will write stories about you! It's a how-to book!"

"What have you been sniffing, Black?"

"No really, look!" And with that, Sirius pulled her to the floor to sit in between them. With a very self-satisfied grin, he handed her a slim, shiny book. James was too busy inhaling the vanilla fragrance she wore to make any comment. She gave him a look of severe distaste, opened the volume, and began to read.

**Lily Evans/James Potter Fan Fiction: A How To Guide**

_**By**_

_**Daisy Pennifold**_

**In this tutorial example, we will examine the formula required to write L/J fan fiction. I am referring of course, to Lily Evans and James Potter, eventual parents of wizarding hero Harry James Potter. **

"See!" "Shut it, Black!"

**Although it is seemingly necessary to adhere to a very strict formula when writing fan fictions based around this couple, there is a large variance between good and bad versions of these stories. No matter how good or bad your version is, however, YOU WILL RECEIVE REVIEWS IN THE THOUSANDS as long as you spin the story out over thirty or forty chapters. This tutorial, thankfully, will be much shorter.**

**The first scene (or chapter) is nearly always set at King's Cross Station, Platform 9 ¾. Usually, the stories begin with the beginning of the Seventh Year for our unfortunate couple, and Lily is usually coming back from her summer hols transformed into a goddess, after having been at least one of the following her entire school career:**

**1. A nerd/swot etc.**

**2. Ugly**

**3. Shy (O Horror!)**

**4. Desperately unpopular due to her maniacal rigidity in following school rules**

**5. Desperately unpopular due to her lone hatred of a group of boys known as the Marauders (more about them later)**

"Well, really! I'm not any of those things!"

"Sure you are Evans, numbers one and four anyway."

"Sirius, I think she's better described in the next paragraph."

"Ugh, James, quit kissing up!"

"Wow, you guys, how do you speak at the same time?"

Sigh from Lily "Lets just read on, shall we?"

**However, in the better fan fictions, in an attempt to follow the little canon devoted to her, Lily is nearly always a tempestuous, fiery redhead, well liked by nearly everyone, and always good-looking beyond compare. **

**At this point, after meeting Lily, the reader is introduced to her friends. These girls generally are her dorm mates. The better versions have 1-3 "best" friends, the others 4-8, depending on how far the author is willing to go with this. Of course, it is nearly impossible to keep track of 4-8 secondary "Mary-Sue" characters, so all the reader need remember is:**

**1. They will all have different colored hair, none of them red**

**2. They will all be ridiculously thin – one will love food, and be able to eat anything she wants without gaining an ounce. This will be a humourous thread throughout the story.**

**3. One will inevitably fall for Sirius Black, and he for her, although they have heretofore hated/ignored one another because one or both have reputations for promiscuity (Sirius almost always).**

**4. One, the quiet one, will inevitably already have been in love with Remus Lupin for 1-3 years. He will also have a crush on her, but both will have been to shy to do anything about it. Sometimes, Lily takes this role.**

**5. At least one will have a really unusual name, usually starting with a K, such as Kirilyne, Kerosene, Kumbayah, etc.**

**Enter Lily's boyfriend. What, you ask? Isn't James Potter her boyfriend? No, not at first! James and Lily will get together, but not for quite some time. The author needs to change hatred to love and build up sexual tension, which takes anywhere from one week into school until well after Valentine's day, depending on the quality of the writing. **

"Ooh, Lily, it's almost Christmas! You only have two months of freedom from James left!" "Sirius SHUT IT! James, wipe that grin off your face!"

**So usually, to add an obstacle to their inevitable relationship, Lily starts her Seventh Year with a steady boyfriend, someone incredibly good looking and popular, and nice on the outside. This young man almost always turns out to be one of the following:**

**1. Cheating on Lily with another random promiscuous student. Everyone but Lily knows about this until she physically catches the couple in the act, even though she is supposedly the brightest witch in her year.**

**2. Using Lily to (a. Win a bet, (b. Get better grades, (c. Make random promiscuous student, whom he used to date, jealous (d. Hide behind her reputation while he pursues his rampant alcoholism/drug addiction, etc.**

**3. Verbally/Physically Abusing Lily, (often due to out-of-control jealousy) who meekly takes it, while lashing out at James Potter for turning her hair green and other various pranks, etc.**

"Well, see," Lily sputtered. "That's ridiculous! Thomas doesn't beat me, yell at me, use me, or cheat on me!" Over her head, Sirius and James exchanged a _look_, but said nothing.

**After meeting up with her posse of friends, Lily then bumps into James Potter and the rest of a group known collectively and to everyone in the school as the "Marauders". This group consists of James, best friend and ladies' man Sirius Black, quiet, bookish werewolf Remus Lupin, and pathetic, clingy, future spy Peter Pettigrew. Later, we will examine each of these characters in detail, but for now, suffice it to say that Lily will one or all of the following:**

**1. Physically bump into one or more of the Marauders on the train. Embarrassment, insults/barbs, and slapstick humour is usually the result of this.**

**2. Talk loudly, in Marauder's hearing, about whom the Head Boy might be, only to be completely disconcerted upon discovery that James is Head Boy. **

**3. Engage in an altercation with Bellatrix Black and a random crowd of Slytherins often including Severus Snape, the Lestranges, and sometimes Lucius Malfoy, although he is supposed to be several years older. When Marauders attempt to assist, Lily usually gets angry with _them_, insisting she can handle things by herself.**

**The rest of the train ride to Hogwarts includes a lot of discussion between secondary friend characters about who likes whom, how to attract a certain Marauder, Lily's boyfriend problems (unless he is the jealous type, in which case she sits meekly by his side, while her friends exchange knowing looks), how to _get rid of_ a certain Marauder, etc.**

**The opening feast continues in this same vein. Lily and boyfriend sit side-by-side, earning jealous looks from James. James and Marauders have managed to pull a quickly-put-together-but-brilliant-and-embarrassing prank on random Slytherins, usually Snape. Lily is annoyed about James not taking Head Boy duties seriously, and vaguely upset by random promiscuous students hanging on James, although unsure as to why it upsets her.**

**By bedtime, boyfriend has shown his flaw to the reader, friends are making headway into their relationships, Lily goes to bed annoyed, without knowing why, and James resolves to change something about himself (hair, attitude, promiscuity, personality, etc.) in order to win Lily's heart. This all occurs in the first day/chapter!**

**The next chapter, "Inside a Marauder", will closely examine each of the four young men who comprise this group, and their importance to the plot.**

"Evans, you have to admit some of that stuff is spot on. James _does _shoot you dirty looks when you sit with Thomas. You _do _get annoyed when girls hang all over him. We _always_ pull a prank on Snape at the opening feast, and we _did _try to help you fight against Bella on the train this year. Not to mention the fact that Thomas is a git."

"Black, first of all, I do _not _care if a bevy of _nuns _drape themselves over Potter, let alone our classmates. Secondly, Thomas is _not _a git. Finally, it is obvious that someone is spying on us all. This is someone's idea of a really bad joke. I have no idea who Daisy Pennifold is, but if I find out, she will not be able to write ever again!"

"Then why are you turning to the next chapter, Lily?"

"Because, Potter, I want to see what she has to say about you guys! Honestly, though, who refers to you as the Marauders? That's so arrogant, to have a name for your little club."

At this, James leaned over Lily to whisper to Sirius, "Do you think this bird knows about the map?" Sirius just shrugged.

Lily pushed James off of her and sat up straight, stretched her arms above her head, once again rendering James speechless as he stared at her chest, and yawned. "Are you ready for this?"

"Lead on, my dear! Turn the page!"

"Shut it, Black."


	2. Meet the Marauders

_Thanks to all who reviewed! Please read my other ff if you have the time – it is called "The Double Life of Irma Pince". It isn't a funny story, but I personally think it's more creative than this one. It is certainly much harder to write!_

CHAPTER TWO – Meet the Marauders

**An integral part of any L/J fan fiction is the group known as the Marauders. This group (James and friends) ensures that any L/J story will have a humourous vein. It is important to realize, however, that the characters as portrayed in fan fiction are often different, or rather, exaggerated versions of their canon selves. In this how-to guide, we will discuss the Marauders as they appear in fan fiction, not necessarily how they are described by noted historian J. K. Rowling. **

**James Potter: Also known as Prongs, James Potter is the future father of Harry James Potter, and husband to Lily Evans. He can be portrayed in many ways, but as all devout readers of the Harry Potter series and subsequent author interviews are aware, he is from a wealthy pureblood family, brilliant at Transfiguration, and secretly an animagus.**

Lily turned slowly to look at James. All of the color was rapidly draining from his face and he had a very confused look in his eye. "James, are you an animagus?"

"Uhh...no?"

"No?"

"Oh, come on, Evans! You said yourself this was all ridiculous."

"Yes, Black, but up until now the two of you didn't seem to think so."

"Do you really think that James could manage magic like that?"

"I don't know. He does well in Transfiguration..."

"Why don't we just keep reading?" James felt a rush of relief. She was obviously suspicious, but Sirius seemed to have planted doubts in her mind, anyway. It was definitely a good thing that Lily didn't _want_ to believe this book.

**In fan fiction, James is most often described as one of the most handsome and popular boys in the school, along with Sirius Black. He is sometimes saddled with a gorgeous, quasi-evil girlfriend who has it in for Lily, more often a fan club of ditsy, nasty girls of whom he dates one or more per week. He is portrayed as having absolutely no insight into the female mind, and able to charm all teachers and students in the school (with the exception of Lily and a few Slytherins) to bend to his every whim. As he is supposed to have become less conceited in his Seventh year, he typically grows up overnight, becoming mature and responsible, forsaking his many shallow relationships, and leaving Lily in a whirlwind of astonishment and mixed feelings. **

"So, Potter, when does that kick in? Or has it already? Does planting dung bombs in the Slytherin table's pudding count as mature and responsible? And how many girlfriends _have_ you had since the beginning of the month?"

"Only two!" replied James, looking offended. "And I didn't even dump the last one! She left me for Thom-"realizing his mistake, James faked a horrendous bout of coughing, while Sirius smirked in the background, wondering how James planned to back out of this one.

"Thom-?"

"Uhh...that... tom-ato-faced Hufflepuff, Clancy Fletcher."

"That isn't fair. Clancy's very nice. He can't help his acne. Though I am surprised that one of _your_ girlfriends would date him. They're usually pretty shallow."

"Ooh, catty, Evans!"

Lily glared at Sirius, but didn't reply. Maybe she _was_ a little jealous of James' girls. But why should that be?

James could not believe the trouble that this book was getting him into! He decided that they should stop reading _soon_. Maybe after the Sirius Black section.

**Sirius Black: Also known as Padfoot, because of his canine animagus, Sirius is the gorgeous renegade of the Marauders, outcast from his family and generally wild. The other boys have a job keeping him in check, and his exuberance and passion often get him into trouble. He is usually portrayed as a loyal friend, mastermind behind most of the pranks that make the group famous, and very promiscuous, unwilling to commit to any relationship. However, one of Lily's friends, a girl he normally wouldn't look twice at because:**

**1. She is shy**

**2. She has a 'quiet, hidden beauty' (remember, none of Lily's friends are _ever _ugly – if they aren't drop-dead gorgeous, they have a 'quiet, hidden beauty')**

**3. She is just as wild and promiscuous as he is, causing friction between them**

**suddenly catches his attention, and after numerous encounters, usually in the Great Hall at meals and on Hogsmeade weekends, they realize that they are in love. This is always Sirius' first relationship in which he actually cares about the girl, and he is able to give James pointers for winning Lily based on his newly acquired expertise. The rest of the time, he is occupied with tormenting Snape, pulling pranks, and making bad jokes. He and Lily are generally at one another's throats, but he helps James in his quest anyway. In some fictions, Lily is initially in love with Sirius, before falling for James.**

"I knew it Evans! I knew it! Why else wouldn't you fall for James? Because you're already in love with me.... I don't make bad jokes though."

"Get over yourself, Black. I never thought I would say this, but I would fall in love with James a million times over before I would ever fall for you!"

_THUNK._

Lily rolled her eyes. "Wake him up, would you Sirius? I want to finish this chapter before we make rounds tonight. And you do too make bad jokes. Like the one you _just _made."

"Oy! Prongs!" Sirius commenced slapping and prodding his friend, to no avail. James had fallen spread eagle on the floor next to Lily, a goofy grin on his face, his eyes rolled back in his head. Apparently Lily's declaration was too much for him. It took a full pitcher of water on his face to wake him.

"Ow! That really hurt!"

"Sirius! I meant for you to pour the water on his face, not to thump him with the pitcher itself!"

"Oh. Well. I kind of did both, anyway. So where were we, Lils?"

"Don't call me that. We were just getting to Remus."

**Remus Lupin: Also known as Moony, Remus is the quiet, introspective member of the group. He is a prefect, but never prevents his friends from breaking school rules. In most scenes of L/J stories, he is quietly reading or studying in a corner. He generally tends to stay on the sidelines, but always falls in love with one of Lily's friends in the stories. Sometimes, he and Lily are in love or crushing on one another at the beginning of the story, but Remus recognizes James' feelings for her, and gives in. He always defers to his friends in everything, because he is so grateful to the three of them for becoming animagi to accompany him on his monthly outbreaks.**

**No matter whom he is dating, the main conflict is his lycanthropy. He never wants to tell the object of his affection that he is a werewolf, as he is sure of rejection. This of course never occurs. The girl always completely understands and never minds in the least. Surprising, this, considering that werewolves are one of the most feared creatures in the wizarding world - it would make most wizards a bit wary at least, but Remus is exceptionally lucky every time.**

"Boy this is a silly book! The stuff they come up with! Remus a werewolf! Whoo!"

"No kidding. What next, Snape with a girlfriend?"

"Guys, really. People are studying. Besides," Lily lowered her voice and leaned in, "I already know about Remus. He had me curious as to where he went every month, and when we did that essay on werewolves in Third Year Dark Arts, I figured that must be it. I do think it's pretty cool that you guys have managed to keep quiet about it for so long. I didn't think you had it in you." 

"Lily, didn't you read the part about us being extremely loyal? This book isn't all bosh."

"Then the parts about you becoming animagi?"

"BOSH!" "BOSH!" 

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Lily looked askance at the two red-faced boys, and read on.

**Peter Pettigrew: Also known as Wormtail, describing his rat animagus form, Peter is the least distinguished of the group, but essential to the story because of his future involvement with Voldemort. Little is known about this fourth Marauder – he appears only briefly in the OP flashback scene, and one can only hope that his open-mouthed admiration of James, and Sirius' disdainful reaction, is a rare moment in his character. He almost never has a girlfriend in the stories. He has been portrayed many different ways in fan fiction, and his character has few requirements to seem believable in the average story. That said, it is only necessary that Peter:**

**1. Say embarrassing things in front of his friends, and be humiliated on a regular basis. The better authors will show him quietly seething in the background while his friends are oblivious to his feelings.**

**2. Get no respect from teachers, classmates, or anyone else.**

**3. Almost get caught having secret meetings with Slytherins from time to time.**

**4. Inadvertently mess up the one major prank of the year, so that everyone can get angry with him.**

"Now, why would Peter be meeting with Slytherins?"

"Or have anything to do with Voldemort?"

Sirius and James exchanged uneasy looks, and then shrugged. "Bosh?" said Sirius.

"I certainly hope so, Padfoot."

**In the next chapter, "Part two – the plot is established", we will examine the lengths James is willing to go to win Lily's heart, dramatic plot twists involving secondary characters, and the quintessential part of nearly every L/J fan fiction – the Halloween ball.**

"Now what does she mean by that? Hogwarts has never had a Halloween ball."

"I guess we're about to find out, Evans."

"Not quite, Potter. You and I have to make rounds for the next two hours. And I'm worried about Sirius – he hasn't snogged any – what was the phrase? – 'Random promiscuous students' - all evening."

"Whoa, Evans! Thanks for reminding me! Uhh...Ooh! Marlene! Wait up!" with that, Sirius pushed himself up from the floor and loped after a slight Seventh Year headed towards a study table in the far corner of the room. James also rose, and offered a hand to Lily, who took it, to the surprise of them both.

Recovering first, Lily gave James a tiny smile. "Ready?"

Unable to speak (yet again), James nodded, his hand tingling as he followed Lily through the portrait hole, the book safely tucked away in his robes.


	3. The Plot is Established

CHAPTER THREE – The Plot is Established

     Lily and James returned through the portrait hole two hours later. While their rounds had flown by for James, Lily had been rather bored, and irritated besides. James _would_ have to look at her in that certain way of his, and her body _would_ have to react with something akin to butterflies in the stomach. She was sure that it was not nervous anticipation, but rather annoyance at the frequency with which these moments occurred, as the butterflies seemed to increase the more he looked, the closer he walked, any time their hands brushed... In all, Lily was relieved to return to the nearly empty common room, and almost happy to see Potter's irrepressible best friend waiting impatiently for them.

     "Finally!" Sirius vaulted from a lounging position on a sofa right over the back of it, landing about four inches in front of Lily. She stood her ground, attempting to appear unimpressed, as he gave her a cheeky grin.

     "I suppose you're ready to resume reading that rubbish?"

     "Actually, Evans, I am. Are you always so alliterative?"

     Lily, searching for an insult in the remark and not really finding one, grinned back at Sirius. He winked at James as Lily took Sirius' arm and led him over to a nearby cluster of armchairs, while James followed, glowering at his mate.

     "Got the book James? Now where were we? Ah, yes."

**     Part Two: The Plot is Established**

**     Although basically an unimportant aspect of a Lily/James romance story, it is generally more enjoyable for readers if the author includes a plot. After introducing all of the characters and highlighting James' unrequited love for Lily, the means for James to capture her heart must be established - herein known as the "hook".**

**     The hook varies from story to story, and it is often the one aspect in which Lily/James fan fiction tales differ. The important thing to remember in creating a good hook, however, is to spin it out, as Lily should not be easily won. The hook can be as simple as James helping a fellow student in need, changing his entire personality for Lily, or saving her life after a run-in with Voldemort, or it can be a complicated series of romantic scenes, all of which inevitably backfire on James, but cause Lily to recognize his humanity, thoughtfulness, and big heart, thereby falling for him when he thinks all hope is lost.**

     "Gee Prongs, don't you always think all hope is lost?"

     "Nope. I'm about to move into my 'confident-in-my-masculinity-and-unconcerned-with-winning-over-Lily' stage, which this book assures me will cause such a tumult of emotions in Lily's already softening heart that I'm bound to win her over anytime now."

     Sirius was about to yell at James for reading ahead, but instead both boys turned to assist their companion, as Lily was overcome with such a fit of giggles that Sirius and James had to pelt her with seventeen pillows from the window seat next to them before she would stop.

     "OK...OW! Stop it! Stop it, boys. OK. I'm sorry James, but you looked so sure of yourself!"

     "Let's just keep reading, huh?" Sirius grabbed the book from the floor where Lily had dropped it, ducking quickly to avoid a pillow fired back at James as Lily attempted to emerge from the barrage of pillows they had thrown at her. "I saw something earlier about a spanner in the works, Lils, so perhaps all hope is not lost for you."

     "QUIT calling me that, Sirius!"

**     Of course, the easiest ways to spin out the hook include the secondary stories, in which the characters have other things to do rather than wrestle with their tangled love lives. Some of these may include:**

**     1. Aforementioned superfluous love interest(s) in the forms of: James' harem **("Oh, get over yourself, Potter!")**; James' openly evil, jealous girlfriend; Lily's secretly evil, jealous boyfriend; a random popular guy whom Lily is crushing on; etc.; getting in the way of Lily and James' potential relationship.**

**     2. Evil characters (usually Slytherins such as Bellatrix Lestrange & Co.) plotting revenge for some small slight that Lily unintentionally (or the Marauders _intentionally_) has performed against them.**

**     3. Extra task forced upon one or both main characters by Dumbledore, who is ALWAYS portrayed as a barmy, matchmaking old codger whose eyes twinkle ad nauseum. While this can give Lily and James the opportunity to spend time together, in order to spin out the hook, it is important that they spend most of their extra time together fighting inanely.**

     "Isn't that what you two do anyway?"

     "Basically. We wouldn't have to, if James weren't always looking at me like some moonstruck bedlamite."

     "I can't help it Lily! I try to be cool around you, but you're just so...MMPHF!" Seeing the moonstruck bedlamite look beginning again, Lily tossed a pillow right in his face, but not as hard as she normally would have, because James wasn't acting like a _complete _berk just then. Sirius cheered her efforts anyway, however, and then turned back to the guide as if nothing had happened. James snuck a peek at Lily from behind the pillow he still held at his face, and she grinned at him.

**     Any of the above 'spanners in the works' will help your characters over the inevitable lull that occurs between the first week of school and Halloween. Halloween is a very important part of the typical Lily/James romance, because most writers introduce the Halloween Ball. The ball is very useful to the plot and/or the hook, because it is inevitably planned by James and Lily, as Head Boy and Head Girl, which gives ample opportunity for arguments, sexual tension (moments where James brushes Lily's hair from her face, leaving a trail of tingles where his fingertips touched her cheek, eye-locking, Lily-tripping-and-falling-into-James'-arms-and-lingering-because-she-feels-so-safe, etc.), or James entering a 'confident-in-his-masculinity-and-unconcerned-with-winning-over-Lily' stage, which causes him to back off and treat her as a casual friend, thus piquing Lily's interest.**

**     There are several ways to handle the ball itself, when deciding on the all-important question, "Who will go to the ball with whom?" With secondary characters, this question is usually quite simple, but for Lily and James, there are several ways to handle the situation:**

**     1. Make it _mandatory_ that James and Lily, as Head Boy and Head Girl, attend the ball together. This can cause great opportunities for conflict, as Lily's boyfriend and/or James' harem or superficial evil girlfriend will all/both be extremely annoyed by the situation.**

**     2. Lily and James each attend with respective significant others. They should probably end up dancing together at least once, unless more balls are planned (not recommended) and longing looks across the room as their respective escorts act ridiculous is the order of the day. Lily and James sharing a dance can lead to massive jealousy with their significant others, and give opportunity for sexual tension, and possibly even a kiss, between Lily and James. Kisses will be discussed in greater detail in the next chapter.**

     "Why _don't_ we have a Halloween Ball?"

     "Oh, you'd like _that,_ wouldn't you?!" Lily started to get up in a raging huff, but James and Sirius shoved her back into her armchair simultaneously.

     "Not until we're through with this chapter, Evans. Be patient. You know it's worse for Prongs anyway - he'll be dreaming all night of sweeping you across the floor of the Great Hall and smooching you tenderly in front of everyone at some lame school dance!"

     James started to look annoyed, but realized the truth behind Sirius' taunt and acquiesced with a shrug and a sheepish smile. Lily snorted and crossed her arms, but didn't try to leave again. She fought desperately against the smile threatening to emerge on her own face, and only just succeeded.

**     3. In more fast-moving fan fiction stories, Lily will have already discovered her boyfriends' secret flaw, usually in an explosive, overly dramatic common room (or Hogsmeade) scene that leaves her heartbroken. She typically then asks James to the ball, to make the boyfriend jealous, and is secretly wowed in the difference between their behavior and treatment of her. At the dance, James is often called upon to defend Lily's honor from either the Evil characters or from the boyfriend, whom, typically drunken and attending with a random promiscuous student, insults or embarrasses her in front of everyone.**

**     Of course, time can be bought for the characters by moving the Halloween Ball to a Yule Ball, Valentine's Ball, etc. Some particularly overzealous authors plan several balls in the same story. THIS IS OVERKILL. For the sake of your readers and your characters, do not force Lily and James to endure more than one ball! Remember, these are not flighty American high school kids, but young wizards at the cusp of a great and terrible war, facing an adulthood fraught with danger and impending doom. Please give the characters the respect they deserve, and allow them to enjoy their final school year with dignity and aplomb. Fun is definitely allowed, but remember, for most of the population, dances ARE NOT FUN.**

**     In the next chapter, "The Girl is Won", we will discuss the establishment of secondary relationships, Lily losing an argument, a big showdown with evil characters, and the all-important first kiss.**

     Sirius shuddered. "Uggh! I agree with this Daisy bird. James notwithstanding, why would anyone want to go to even one ball, let alone three or four?"

     "Well, it would make a delightful pranking opportunity."

     At this, James and Sirius both looked up, startled, at Lily, who was looking rather smug.

     "Evans, _you_ would want to pull pranks at a major school function?"

     "What better time?" With a flip of her hair, the redhead left her armchair, and grinned at Sirius as she passed James, steadying herself with a hand on his shoulder. He, of course, trembled at her light touch. "Goodnight, boys. I'm meeting Thomas in Hogsmeade tomorrow at 2:00 PM, but if you'd like, I'll meet you two before that and read some more of this rag."

     "Sounds good Lils." Sirius looked at James as he replied, who was nodding fervently, unable to speak. He could still feel her fingers on his shoulder.

     Lily rolled her eyes at the nickname, but headed up to bed without yelling at Sirius. He looked at James again. "You know, Prongs, I think your girl's loosening up around us. She was almost fun tonight."

     "She's always fun, even when she's mad at me. You want to go visit Tibby in the kitchens?"

     "Go on then, I'm starved. And no one makes chocolate squash turnovers like Tibby!"

     A few minutes later, the boys were on their way to the kitchens, shuffling quietly under the invisibility cloak. As they passed by the corridor that led to the Ravenclaw dormitories, they noticed a couple snogging desperately behind a statue. Sirius nudged James as he recognized the girl, James' most recent ex-girlfriend, Sabrina DeVore. James chuckled softly, then grunted as he stubbed his toe on a raised stone tile. Sabrina didn't seem to hear, but her companion looked up for a second before focusing again on the blonde in his arms.

     It was Thomas.


	4. The Girl is Won

_A/N: This is a repost of Chapter Four – I was too eager to post, and made some dumb mistakes. Thanks to all who are reading my silly little story, especially these two reviewers, who read it before I had a chance to fix my errors and as a result may have lost their reviews from the list._

_Celi:_

_Poor Lily...:-/  
I'd like the end of this chapter, he really has style! big smile_

_ThelovelyladyLily:_

_This chapter was funny and so true, you capture us Lily/James writers to a T. It's funny, I was planning on using some of those plotlines as well, and that was even before I read this! I wish there was more than one chapter left, this is a funny story and it is also helpful. Post soon_

CHAPTER FOUR - The Girl is Won

"So do we tell her or what?"

It was a beautiful autumn morning, and James and Sirius were on their way to Hogsmeade to meet Lily. Their mates Remus and Peter were walking ahead with their dates. Sirius had plans to meet three different girls later that afternoon, but James reckoned he would be too busy reliving his time with Lily to concentrate, so he hadn't made any other plans.

"Tell who, what?"

"Tell Lily about Thomas, of course."

"James, I hate to be the one to tell you this…Actually, no. I don't. I rather like it! You sound like a girl, mate! Who cares what we saw Lily's git of a boyfriend up to? It's not like we haven't been in the same spot once or twice ourselves!

"I know, only I don't want her to be hurt."

"You're making me ill, Prongs. Seriously. It is inevitable that Evans will get her silly little heart broken, as we all knew from the day those two became a couple. Get over it, and quit ruining my day!"

"Fine then. I'll just…play it by ear."

Just then, his own ears began to get very red. The boys had just entered the Three Broomsticks, and as his eyes adjusted to the dim room, he saw Lily waving and smiling at them from a booth in the back.

"I can't believe all of the time we're spending on this silly book, but it is rather fun, isn't it?" She prattled cheerfully as they slid into the semi-circular booth, one on each side of her.

"It was much more interesting when she was writing about me, but the faces that the two of you make are entertaining enough, at least until noon, when I have to meet Deena Wilder – three butterbeers, love," said Sirius, interrupting himself to wink at Rosmerta as he gave their order.

"Sophia Romano."

"What, Prongs?"

"You meet Deena at 4:00pm at Zonko's. You meet Sophia Romano here, at noon, and Lucie Whitmer at 2:00pm behind Gladrags."

"What are you? His personal secretary?"

"It's a service we provide for one another," Sirius said smoothly, as he finished thanking Rosmerta for the drinks and poured Lily's for her. "Think of the broken hearts if we should mix up our dates, not to mention the inconvenience for us. There you go, Lils."

"Don't call-Oh, never mind. I don't care anyway. Really though, Black, three dates in one day? How many do you have Potter? Four, Five?"

"No, I'm free after you and Sirius leave."

"Oh." Lily looked confused for a moment, and then brightened. "Why then, you can help me! Thomas had to stay at the castle – detention with Flitwick. Something about sneaking out after curfew last night, can you believe it? So I thought I'd buy his Christmas present today, only I don't know anything about Quidditch and he wants a new…"

"Oh. Merlin. Will you _please_ stop babbling? I have to meet…"

"Sophia."

"Thank you James. -Sophia in an hour and a half. Enough with the preliminaries. Let's get down to business."

"Alright, Black. Don't get your knickers in a twist. May I have the book, James?"

**The Girl is Won **

**This all-important chapter will help the story move into the climactic scene in which Lily and James become a couple. Now that barriers have broken down, sexual tension has built up, and secondary stories have been established, it is time to bring everything to a head.**

**Arguably the best time for the climax of the story to occur is around Christmas. Christmas is a good time because school isn't in session, and the characters can be placed in many exciting situations. Some of the most popular are:**

**1. The whole group of friends stays at Hogwarts. Ample opportunities for hilarious hijinks (snowball fights, etc) and puppy love ensue. If the Slytherins stay also, the author can add pranks and a battle between Slytherins and our heroes without teacher interference. **

**2. Everyone goes home – If Lily and James become a couple before Christmas, Lily can take James home to meet the family. However, while Vernon and Petunia are always fun, it is probably best to wait until Easter (unless there is a funeral – see #3). It's a little early for James to meet the family if you've spun out their relationship realistically.**

"Who are Vernon and Petunia?"

"King and Queen of the muggles. Or they will be, once they get married. They're my sister and her fiancé. They are _not_ fun. This Daisy Pennifold has obviously never met them. They'd be evil, if they weren't so boring."

**3. Someone's parents/other close family member dies. This can be family of a secondary character, or if the story is a bit darker, the parents of the hero or heroine. (Lots of opportunity for good comforting time, cuddles, etc.) If it is the parents of, for example Lily, James's parents are usually already dead, and he is the only one who can understand her pain. This works both ways. Also, if it is Lily's parents, there can be a confrontation between Lily and Petunia, causing the falling out that we know happens later on. Petunia can blame Lily for the death of their parents, as it is her fault that Voldemort is aware of their existence.**

**4. The Potters throw a party at their manor for Christmas or New Year's Eve, and James invites all of his friends. After much seesawing, Lily decides to go, providing many romantic opportunities. In darker stories, Voldemort and the Death Eaters often crash the party, giving James a chance to rescue Lily. If he is injured, so much the better for the story, as Lily will feel compelled to nurse him back to health, maintain a constant vigil at his bedside, etc.**

"Oh, that's nice! Now this bird wants me mortally wounded! Remind me to take her off my Christmas card list."

"Not to mention the fact that our parents are dead."

"Don't worry, Prongs, Lils will nurse you back to health."

"Don't hold your breath on that one. Anyway, since you all flunked that Dark Arts exam last week, it looks like I'll have to save you."

"Well, we were tired," James defended, as Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Up all night studying, I suppose? Black, you passed out with your nose in your inkwell!"

"We were up all night, love, but hardly studying," Sirius smirked. James raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"How sweet! I didn't know that you two were a couple! Now be real here… let's see…possible animagi, your best friend is a werewolf, and the test was the day after the full moon. Hmmm…what could that mean?" Lily pretended to ponder the situation as the boys' faces changed from crimson to ghostly white.

"Evans, you aren't going to tell anyone, are you?" Sirius's voice was low and urgent, and James had little beads of sweat on his forehead. He kept patting his hair down nervously over his brow.

"No, _love_, I'll keep your little secret. After all, if …uh, you two are together, who am I to interfere?" Lily winked, but pressed Sirius's hand in a reassuring manner at the same time.

"Where were we, anyway?" James hastily grabbed for the book, but Lily smoothly slid it towards herself, and began to read. A slight smile played on her face as she noticed the boys' worry subsiding.

**All other relationships should be formed and flourishing by this time, although you can use some petty bickering or "Three's Company" style hilarious misunderstandings to draw out the story longer. This is especially easy to do with Remus and his girl, as he is usually reluctant to tell her that he is a werewolf, but because all four of the boys tend to keep secrets from their girls, any couple can be used in this capacity. Valentine's Day is a good time for make-ups to happen.**

**The Argument**

**At this point, the friends can actively step in to help Lily and James get together. This can add a lot of comedy to the story, as the friends usually manage to make things worse for James as he pursues Lily. Even if Lily is starting to come around, there is usually a plan gone wrong that makes Lily very angry. The resulting argument, however, is a very important plot point in any Lily/James story, if you are attempting to make the story true to canon in regards to their characters.**

**James is typically portrayed as a laidback, easygoing guy who dislikes arguments, and worships Lily so thoroughly that he will say anything to make her happy. Lily, conversely, tends to be fiery and argumentative, and rather bossy. In this climactic argument between them, James needs to finally lose his patience with Lily and say something that she absolutely _can't_ argue with, because James is so obviously right. **

**At this point, Lily is completely thrown off course in her feelings for James, because he makes her see something about herself or about him in an entirely new light. This makes her spend a lot of time alone or with one good friend, talking through her emotions until she finally realizes that she cares for James. She will also be devastated when she becomes aware that James is actively avoiding her, and she will discover how much she values his company.**

**James will be slightly angry at Lily for being so obtuse, but he will actually be terrified that he has damaged their friendship beyond repair with this argument, and avoid her simply so that she won't be angry with him any further. This misunderstanding on his part will do more to further his case than anything else.**

**Inevitably, Lily will force a confrontation between the two, typically somewhere private (the initial argument is often quite public, such as in the common room). After the misunderstandings are cleared up, the first kiss generally occurs.**

"I have been waiting _so long_ for this part."

"You can be such a berk, Potter."

"Really Prongs, cool off. I want us to finish this before I meet Lucie."

"Sophia."

"Right."

**The Kiss**

**The Kiss is THE MOST IMPORTANT part of any Lily/James story. No matter what your reviews say, this is the event that your readers are waiting for, and the description needs to be just right. Nearly every single kiss (and this is not limited to Lily/James fiction, it goes for Hermione/Snape, Draco/Ginny, and just about every other pairing as well) is described using one or more of the following phrases, seen here in italics:**

"Wait a minute."

"What now, Black? I thought you wanted to finish this."

"Evans, you just read 'Hermione/Snape'. Does this author want us to believe that some bird will actually snog Snivellus?"

"Is Hermione even a girl's first name? It seems kind of odd to me. Maybe it's another last name."

"Maybe Snape named his pillow."

"Maybe – "

"Maybe we could keep reading?"

"Right, Evans. Prongs, stop interrupting."

**1. James rushed to Lily, _capturing/caressing her lips with his own._**

**2. Lily began to protest, but James _covered her mouth with his. _She was too startled to pull away, and without realizing _she deepened the kiss._**

**3. James started to walk out of the room, but a small sound from Lily made him turn back to face her. Her eyes shining, she reached up to touch his face, _fireworks exploding as their lips met_.**

**Yes, these are remarkably redundant and trite, but guaranteed to give good reviews. By no means should you keep the details of the kiss completely private, (such as Harry's kiss in OP) because this is, after all, primarily a romance story. Some stories get quite graphic as descriptions can get out of hand, and the author should be careful to rate his/her story accordingly.**

**After the kiss, Lily usually feels exceptionally guilty, especially if she is still with her boyfriend. This is a good time for her to discover his character flaws and for the break up to occur, although allowing him to dump her after finding out about the kiss is a fun twist.**

**In the final chapter, "The Relationship", we will see the characters through to the end of the school year, including the maintenance of sexual tension between the characters, a final showdown with various evil characters, and set up for the future.**

"Only one chapter left. How sad."

"I think I'll manage to live without it. What was with that part about the kissing and Thomas dumping me?" Lily had very red cheeks as she slammed the book shut.

"Inevitable in my opinion." Sirius dodged Lily's upraised hand just in time, and said with relief, "And there's Sophia! See you tonight, kids."

As he left, James turned to Lily with a hopeful smile on his face. "Do you still want me to help you shop for Thomas?"

"Uhh, I don't think so." Lily rose from the table, expression stony, all color gone from her face. She marched over to where her boyfriend sat, feeding candies to Sabrina Devore. James hurried after her, in case he was needed. He looked around for Sirius, but he had already left.

Lily crossed her arms and glared at the two. "Wow, Thomas. Your detention looks really brutal."

"Uh…Lily! Uh…Flitwick let me out early! I was just looking for you when I ran into Sabrina here." Sabrina smiled coquettishly up at Lily, then winked at James standing behind her.

"Sure. Let's just end this little farce now, OK? I could make a big scene, but I don't think I want to give you the satisfaction. We both know who is the bigger fool here." Lily coolly turned, and quietly walked out the door. Thomas started to get up, but a firm hand on his shoulder forced him back in his seat.

"Why don't you just stay here, Mallon? I think you've done enough damage. Besides, why would you leave the lovely Miss DeVore stranded here alone?" James kissed Sabrina's hand before strolling out the door after Lily.

"Man, I can't stand that guy!" Thomas glared at the table as he shredded candy wrappers, trying to ignore the smirks, catcalls, and applause that followed Lily and James out the door.

"I know, darling, but you have to admit he has style." Sabrina leaned back in her seat and smiled to herself as she slowly sipped her drink.

_Thanks to Phineas Nigellus in OP for this awesome line. He is the coolest Slytherin of all, in my opinion._


	5. The Relationship

"Lily? Do you...er...want to talk about it?"

James had left the Three Broomsticks just in time to see a flash of red hair leave the crowded main street and head towards the Shrieking Shack. He had found her sitting on a fallen log, her back against a tree, face buried in the arms hugging her knees. Her entire body was quaking madly.

James thrived on the attention of others. Back in the tavern, facing Thomas in front of everyone, he had felt on top of his game. Now, in the quiet woods with Lily, he didn't know what to do.

Lily mumbled something that he couldn't hear.

"What, Lils?" He asked gently, timidly stroking her messy hair.

She looked up at him then, her eyes glowing, her face beet red.

"I said, 'Did you _see _his face?' Priceless!"

She was _laughing._ James looked at her in complete and utter disbelief.

"But you...he...I mean...I..."

"You've certainly got those pronouns down, Potter."

"You aren't upset? He's cheating on you!"

"Despite what that book says, I'm actually quite a good judge of character. Thomas is good looking, charming, and fun. He's actually quite a bit like you and Sirius, come to think of it. I enjoy spending time with him, but I know he's a flirt. I'm just glad I got to end things on my terms, and for once _he's _the one getting dumped! I'm probably the first girl to ever break up with him," said Lily. She hugged her knees as she grinned to herself yet again and looked up at James.

"So, how are you going to spend the rest of your afternoon?"

"Wait, Lily. I want to understand something. If Thomas and I are so much alike, why do you continually refuse me, but date him?"

Lily looked at James as though this were completely obvious.

"Because Thomas doesn't _mean_ anything to me, and never has. You and I, well, we're friends, aren't we? I mean, we're in the same house and everything. It would be much more... difficult all the way around if we were to date and break up. So, what do you want to do?"

James was still rather confused by the entire incident, but because Lily's words gave him such hope, and because he didn't have to try and comfort a sobbing, heartbroken girl, he was quite pleased with the turn of events on the whole.

"I don't know. Let's just... play it by ear."

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Several hours later, a shaggy black head popped over the back of Lily's chair, where she sat as she and James played a game of Wizard's Chess in the common room. It was quite late. Remus and Peter had only just gone up to bed, leaving Lily and James to wait for Sirius.

"So, Evans darling, rumour has it that you punched Thomas Mallon for making out with Polly Kirke in the Hog's Head today. Pretty feisty, aren't we?"

Lily turned to face Sirius. He was so close their noses brushed, and she had a hard time keeping a straight face as green eyes regarded grey with a serious expression. "The truth isn't half as interesting, Black, so I'll let the rumour stand. Suffice it to say that Thomas and I are no longer an item. Did you bring the stuff?"

"Yup." Sirius walked over to the sofa by the fireplace, swinging a large cloth bag.

"What stuff?" James asked, as he moved a pawn out of the way of Lily's queen.

"Snacks for us as we read our final chapter. Where were you when we set all this up earlier, at the pub?"

James distinctly remembered missing part of the conversation earlier as he watched the lantern light play off of the golden glints in Lily's hair, but before he could think of a suitably non-prattish reply, Lily continued, "That was a really dumb move, Potter. Checkmate."

"Again? That's the third time!"

"Oh, come on. You'll live."

Plopping down on the sofa in between James and Sirius, Lily propped her feet on an ottoman, pulled the book out of her robes and turned to the final chapter.

**The Relationship**

**Many a fantastic Lily/James romance founders after the first kiss. One of the hardest things to write about in a Lily/James story is their budding relationship. Unless the author ends the story with the kiss, however, it is necessary to address this issue, and if the author plans to spin the story out in order to have more chapters (and thus, more reviews) the relationship should take up about one-third of a well-written story. This is too large a chunk to be neglected, although my instructions on how to write about their relationship are deliberately brief and vague. This is one section of the story where a fan fiction writer could actually be original and creative, and I encourage that very strongly. There are a few things a writer needs to remember, however.**

**One of the most fun things to write about, as well as to read about, is sexual tension between the characters. Only the unimaginative believe that sexual tension between Lily and James need end with the first kiss. Those writers who have experienced a serious relationship (without subsequently marrying that person) will understand that the beginning of a romance can be even more exciting than the time leading up to it.**

"That's all I have."

James and Lily (whom had both turned several shades of red during the previous paragraphs) turned to look at Sirius.

"What are you talking about, Black?"

"The beginnings of relationships. That's all I have. No middle, no breakup. Once I start feeling comfortable and sure about myself around a girl, I skive off. Usually takes about a week and a half."

"Lord. Are you bloody serious?"

"Of course. That's why I have so many girlfriends at once. Keeps things exciting all the time."

James grinned at this matter-of-fact way in which Sirius explained his love life, while Lily looked quite shocked.

"I can't _believe_ you just said that."

"Why not? It's the truth." Sirius leaned back on the couch with his hands behind his head, crossing his long legs as he propped his feet up on Lily's ottoman. "Don't knock me for it, princess. Explain busting up with your little boy toy Mallon then?"

"I... that was _completely_ different," Lily sputtered in an attempt at righteous indignation. "Thomas was cheating on _me!"_

"You were looking for an excuse to dump him, and you know it," replied Sirius smoothly, with an all-knowing smirk. "You probably knew he was cheating. Girls are such hypocrites."

"How... You... Did you tell him this?" Lily said, rounding on James.

"Don't look at me! I've been with you all afternoon! Sirius is just..."

"A genius?"

"Annoying?"

"I was going to say, 'Perceptive'. Though this morning, Padfoot, you said Lily would get her heart broken, remember? And she didn't."

"Hey, I'm not a seer. Half the time I just bluff my way through. And it works, too." Sirius leaned forward to look at Lily's face. "I was right, wasn't I? He _was_ just a boy toy!"

Lily could not help the little self-satisfied grin that blossomed on her face at Sirius' triumphant expression.

"Where were we, anyway?"

"That's what I thought."

**Although James and Lily have shared their first kiss, it is best to keep their relationship on very uncertain terms, with one or both of the characters unwilling to do one or more of the following:**

**1. Be alone together for any length of time, as this could lead to uncomfortable situations/misunderstandings, etc.**

**2. Tell the other any part of their true feelings for that person, for fear of rejection, lest the kiss had been a fly-by-night occurrence.**

**3. Let their relationship be known to any of their friends or schoolmates, especially if a love triangle is involved (ie, one of Lily's friends says she is in love with James, Sirius is in love with Lily, etc).**

**In other words, the same dread, anxiety, and exhilaration that any new couple experiences.**

"So, _you're _in love with _me_ then, Black? I didn't know you cared."

"I didn't know either, but I'm willing if you are... hey!" As Sirius responded, he casually draped an arm around Lily's shoulders. James promptly reached behind her and dumped a tankard of butterbeer over Sirius' head. He jumped up, dripping, as the two on the sofa roared with laughter.

"Well, that tears it. So the prefects' bathroom password is 'nargle', right Lils?"

"No, it's 'chimera'... Oh, damn! Black, you can't go in there! Besides, we haven't finished the book yet."

"Finish without me. Prongs can fill me in later... and I want _all_ the details," he added in a whisper to James, before heading up to the boy's dorm. He passed back through the common room a moment later, his bath kit in hand, and with a final whack to the back of James' head, disappeared from sight. A moment later the portrait hole opened and slammed with a bang. James and Lily could hear the Fat Lady's muffled protests from the other side.

"So, shall we keep reading?" Lily asked, with a small tremor in her voice.

"I'm game if you are," James replied, shifting infinitesimally closer to Lily on the couch.

**After a few of these scenes, and with the passage of time, a level of comfort can be established for the couple, especially if there are more pressing matters for Lily and James to attend to, such as a battle with Voldemort or graduation ceremonies to arrange (although, as J. K. Rowling has never mentioned said ceremonies, they probably aren't a major event at Hogwarts, if they are held at all.).**

**A sensible writer will end at this point (somewhere near the end of their Seventh Year), although it is possible to spin out the story to embrace their married life, the birth of Harry, and the ultimate demise of the Potters. However, this will cause the story to end on a real down note. It is perhaps best to end the story as they are leaving school, and save their darker adult lives for a potential sequel.**

**By the end of your story, then, all loose ends for secondary characters and extraneous plot holes will be tied up. James and Lily will have overcome numerous obstacles, cliched or otherwise, to discover their true feelings for one another, and will be looking forward to embarking upon a future together, little realizing the tragedies that lie ahead of them.**

**On this happy note, fellow writer, I urge you to write your own version of their enduring love story, and if you can actually establish an original plot, characterization, or setting, I will honor you with many exulted reviews.**

**Yours in Fan Fiction, **

**Daisy Pennifold**

"Well, that was... lovely. We run off happily into the sunset, get married, have a wonderful little boy, and... die. I know I'll be sleeping well tonight. G'night, James." Lily spit all of this out quickly to cover her conflicting emotions, and started briskly for the girls' dorm staircase. She paused at the foot, as she thought she heard James mumble something in the now darkened room.

"Did you... er... say something, James?"

"No, noth... I mean, wait. Yes, I did," he said, in a suddenly firm voice. He strode over to where she stood, and clutched her arms with his strong hands. For the first time in her life, Lily looked at James and saw not the flippant, charming, lovestruck boy that he was, but the strong, fearless, loving man he would become.

"I said it would be worth it. Dying with you. Because it would mean living with you. And I would happily die tomorrow, after the day we had together today, if I knew that you feel about me the way I feel about you. But I know you don't. Not yet. And that's fine. I can wait. And I _will_ wait, until the end of my life if it takes that long. I _love_ you, Lily. I've never said that before because to me those words really mean something. So now I've said them. I'm just waiting to hear them from you."

With that, he leaned down as if to kiss her, his usually sparkling eyes dark and serious as they searched her own. He brushed his lips roughly across her forehead, dropped her arms suddenly, and walked slowly towards his own staircase. When he was halfway up, he stopped at the sound of Lily's voice.

"James?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"I don't think you'll be waiting long."

James smiled in the dark, and headed for bed.

THE END


	6. Epilogue

Sirius Black sauntered down the dark empty hallways of Hogwarts, still warm from his bath under the invisibility cloak. He had spent longer than he had intended, because that mermaid on the wall just couldn't seem to get enough of him. Typical woman, he thought to himself, smirking. He would probably be late for his rendezvous, but he didn't care. Let her wait. He tripped lightly up a steep staircase, and found himself surrounded by stars.

"You smell like snozzberries."

Sabrina DeVore lounged against the long wall skirting the Astronomy tower balcony, her always impeccable hair fluttering lightly in the cool breeze. She hadn't even looked up as he approached her, but was examining her nails intently.

"Nothing gets by you, does it, Brinny?" Sirius said with a grin, as he doffed the invisibility cloak and stuffed it in his bath kit.

"So, Sirius, how's it going with my yummy ex and the perfect prefect Miss Evans?"

"I couldn't have done it without you, love. That book worked perfectly. I'll nick it off Prongs tomorrow and pretend that it magically disappeared or something. How did you ever think of it?" Sirius leaned up against the wall next to Sabrina and glanced her way. What a knockout. She had the right idea about relationships, too. Too bad they were related, however distantly.

"Let's just say that I have a vibrant imagination. James could talk until he was blue in the face, and it wouldn't get through to Evans the way some silly book would. And I was beginning to think that I would have to make out with Mallon in her lap before she noticed he was cheating on her. She's so thick. I really don't know what he sees in her."

"The lad's smitten. He wants to marry her. It's just...ugh! The idea of being with one person for the rest of your life... scary. All that stuff about them dying, though, don't you think it was a bit much?"

"I couldn't help myself. They're both so sickeningly sweet, I had to put my digs in. Do you think he would ever believe it if you told him that _I_ was the driving force that brought Lily into his arms?" Sabrina asked, with a wry grin.

"Nah. He actually believes in true love and all that. What a dope! I had to do something though. I was so tired of hearing about Evans. Maybe he'll shut up for a while now. So, do you need an escort back to your house?"

"No, darling. Yours wasn't the only... appointment I had to keep tonight. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night then, love. And thanks. I owe you big." Sirius said, as he pulled out the cloak and vanished down the stairs.

"And don't think I won't collect," Sabrina said to herself, before looking up and smiling at the sounds of footsteps rushing up the stairs Sirius had just strolled down..


	7. Outtakes and Deleted Scenes

_Author's Note: Sirius tried so hard to take over this story, that I just had to create a 'deleted scenes' chapter for him. Many of the things he did were quite funny (at least to me) but had no place in my story. So here they are. If you liked the story the way it was feel free to skip this part. If you can't get enough of Sirius, though, you're in the right place._

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"You two were in the library?" Lily looked up at the pair, and while James was too disconcerted to continue, Sirius jumped in.

"Well, until we were kicked out, anyway. Pince had never actually seen us before, so she didn't think we were students, and when we uh, _accidentally _opened one of the books in the Restricted Section about poisonous boils, she was so mad she started chucking books at us from the check-in cart. She tried to hex us, but her hands were so swollen she couldn't hold her wand. Apparently that particular page of the boil book affects only witches, and it was chaos in there, what with the girls screaming and wailing and the books flying about. Good thing we only wear our uniforms in class, hey Prongs? She doesn't even know what house we're in. Anyway, this little book hit James in the back of the head, and when I saw his name on the cover, I grabbed it. Apparently, it tells the future. You guys are getting married, and your kid will be famous and people will write stories about you. It's a how-to book!"

"What have you been sniffing, Black?"

"No really, look!" And with that, Sirius pulled her to the floor to sit in between them. With a very self-satisfied grin, he handed her a slim, shiny book. "By the way, Evans, why didn't you ever tell us the library was so much fun? No wonder you're always studying! I'm going back tomorrow!" Lily looked at him with severe distaste, pulled a lock of her hair out of James' grasp, where he had been surreptitiously sniffing her vanilla shampoo, opened the volume, and began to read.

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As Lily and James stepped back through the portrait hole, they had expected to find the common room empty. Instead, they found Sirius surrounded by a group of younger students at the fireplace. Some of them seemed to be studying in books far above their level. Others were opening Sirius' broomstick servicing kit and preparing to wax his Shooting Star for what looked to be the second time, two girls were putting photos of Sirius and his various dates in chronological order in a photo album, and one blushing, starry-eyed Fourth Year was actually giving Sirius a pedicure as he chatted animatedly to her. Lily looked puzzled, but James just groaned.

"Sirius, what have I told you about using your 'special' set of Gobstones against the underclassmen? You know what McGonagall said she'd do to you if she caught you gambling again."

"I know, Prongs, but I didn't think she actually meant it. So Wendy, did Lucie really say that about me? Because I heard that she and -"

"Do you really want to find out? I mean, being transfigured into the seat on Moaning Myrtle's toilet seems - I don't know - a bit unnatural, don't you think?"

"Oh, I don't know. Myrtle's kind of cute. Besides, I've never dated a ghost before. Maybe I should expand my horizons a little. I don't want people to think I'm prejudiced or anything."

"You are so thoughtful, Padfoot."

"I know. I'll have to thank McGonagall next time I see her for opening my eyes. What a gal! Hey, do you think those rumours about her and Dumbledore are-"

"Oh. Black. Stop. I feel ill." Lily sat down on the sofa after shooing the boys hard at work on the Shooting Star, looking a bit green.

"Well, you look ravishing, love. Let's get started, hey? Same time tomorrow, People!" At the stern looks from Lily and James, however, he shook his head at his young minions. "OK. Never mind that. We'll have to reschedule some other time. I'll let you know. Until then, practice at Gobstones, won't you? I want a _bit_ of a challenge anyway. Got the book, James?"

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It was a beautiful autumn morning, and James and Sirius were on their way to Hogsmeade to meet Lily. They had been walking with their mates Remus and Peter behind a group of Slytherins, but Remus and Peter had hurried away with their dates after Sirius had ridden Remus piggyback, hit on both girls, led the group in a rousing chorus of the Hogwarts theme song, enchanted rotten eggs to float over Snape's head and attack him every time he said the word, 'mudblood', and eaten enough Blood Pops to turn his entire mouth blood red and spout fangs. All this had happened before they reached the gates of Hogwarts.

"How many more of those nasty things have you got, anyway?"

"Sorry Prongs, you can't have any. I've heard that one of the best ways to woo a girl is with candy, so the rest of these are for the lovely Miss Evans. Too bad you can't compete." Sirius grinned wickedly, his fangs glinting white through the blood dripping from them.

"If you're my competition, Black, I may actually have a chance for once."

"Right. And Snape's gracing the cover of _Witch Weekly_ next issue. Face it, Potter, you can't expect to get a girl like Evans with a guy like me around."

"You're right. She might think you're contagious, and want to stay away from both of us." At this, James broke into a run, as the rotten eggs orbiting Snape suddenly whirled and started chasing after him. Sirius sucked thoughtfully on his Blood Pop, and then called after him, "Tell Lily not to fret her pretty head, I'll be in to nibble her neck as soon as I possibly can."

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"So, Lily darling, rumour has it that you punched Thomas for making out with Polly Kirke in the Hog's Head today. Pretty feisty, aren't we?" Sirius grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it up to join the two at the window in the common room, seemingly oblivious to the muffled cries coming from beneath him.

"Er... Padfoot?"

"Yes, Prongs?"

"You're sitting on one of the Second Years?"

"Why, so I am!" Sirius leapt to his feet, grabbed the flush-faced young girl up in his arms, and gallantly deposited her on the sofa next to her friends.

"So sorry, Sheila love, speak up next time, hey?" He kissed her on the forehead and rejoined his friends, unfazed by the giggling little girls on the couch, watching him avidly as they whispered to one another.

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Lily felt compelled to bludgeon Sirius about the head with the book a few times.

"Black, you are _such_ a prat! You dare to sit here and tell a girl that you break hearts for fun?"

"Ouch! Evans, ow! It's not all bad. Think of the girls you bunk with. I've provided them with half the drama and gossip in their OW! Quit it!... simple little lives the past few years. Not to mention the fact that they get to say that they went out with me, even if just for a week. It's a public service, really. I just want to serve." Sirius struck what he thought was a noble pose. James did his best not to spurt butterbeer through his nostrils, as Lily swelled with anger.

"Just how do you manage to walk around with that humongous head of yours, Black?"

"Oh, I usually have a bird on each side to help me hold it up, Lov- OUCH!"

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End file.
